I’ve been many things in this life, a bestselling author, a successful IT entrepreneur, a
consultant to the government, an alcoholic, a junkie, a mother and a criminal….

(I said I’ve been many things, I didn’t say they were all good.)

But today, I sit at the lowest point in my life.

(clean sober and ethical for 16yrs by the way)

This isn’t something I normally talk about openly.

My own family knows none of this…They wouldn’t help me and it would give them more reasons to dislike me, not that they need actual reasons. I’m just reluctant to offer them any voluntarily.

But for you, I’m flinging the doors wide open on these deeply private matters because I can offer you a view of our country that most voters never get to see…..how it looks from the bottom.

You see….

I am marginal.

Today, as I write this post, my entire life exists only in the narrow space between somewhere and absolutely nowhere.

While you likely reside in the wide open pages of life….writing your story in broad, cursive strokes…using luxury words like adjectives and adverbs….

My story is squashed and squeezed behind that thin red line that divides us.

Despite all that I am…and all that I have accomplished, I am perched precariously on that razor edge, in constant danger of falling off the world entirely.

I share this space with the other margin-dwellers, some are poor, disabled, drug-addicted and yes, certain ethnic groups. I can’t really speak for them. I find myself here, despite my many advantages.

Yet….here I sit.

In recent months, I have lost everything….stuff…clothes…money….opportunity…..

These were followed closely by my confidence, self-worth and plucky sense of humour.
My son and I live in a homeless shelter.

While the world crumbles down around me, I cling to the small things that I think prove that I’m not like the rest of them, fan letters, old articles….

I carry a copy of my book in my purse, ready to show it to anyone with ears.

“It was #2 on Amazon”

“So-and-so quoted me in/on such-and-such TV show or newspaper or website”

“The Tonight Show called me in 2006” (I didn’t return their call)

It’s pathetic…..and I know it’s pathetic….admitting that this is what I do makes my stomach turn.

While my mouth runs amok, I’m screaming inside my own skull…”stop it you idiot….shut-up….plleease just shut up!…you sound like an asshole!”

I’m desperate to prove my own worth…to myself….to you….desperate to disassociate myself from the others who share my sad, sad lot.

But I can’t disassociate myself from “them”….because I am here too.

I am them…

I am homeless.

I recently dedicated a book to the Shelter where we live. It reads like so:

Robert Frost said that “Home is the place that when you have to go there,
they have to take you in.”

In that way, the Toronto Family Residence is EXACTLY like home.

Unfortunately, in every other way, it’s EXACTLY like Turkish prison.

Obviously, I’m kidding. We are lucky they were here when we needed them.

But, where practical gratitude leaves off, my self-loathing takes over.

Lucky for us, my troubles began while Paul Martin was in office, so my story is even more relevant because I can draw the comparison between how a Liberal Government handled me, versus a Conservative one.

Let me explain…

Five years ago, after my head injury, I received a letter from Revenue Canada explaining that they were keeping my tax refund to apply against my student loan debt. Now, I don’t dispute that they are entitled to collect that debt. But, since my gross income for that previous year had been $4,000, a figure more than $22,000 below the POVERTY line, I had been counting on that money.

I sent an emotional email to Prime Minister Martin and CC’d the Commissioner in charge of Revenue Canada. Basically, it conceded that I owed them that money and explained why I was pissed anyway. I pointed out that Canada was the only G7 nation to run a budget surplus 9 years in a row and challenged him that if he “could prove that he needed my money more than I do, he was welcome to it.”

I had no expectations that my letter would ever be read….I just wanted to vent.

Weeks later, a cheque arrived in the mail and a letter followed shortly after, explaining that they would suspend any collection proceedings against me until I was back on my feet. I stood in the garden, wearing pajamas and oversized rubber boots, crying as the rain poured down and my cocker spaniel peed.

Every time someone trash talks Paul Martin, I point out that he had no obligation to help me and had I written the same angry email to the President of the United States, I probably would have been arrested.

My country….my Canada….is one where a lowly citizen can reach out and get actual results. It’s a place where compassion and common sense can take precedence over rules and procedures.

My Canada had real class.

That one act bought a lot of Liberal Loyalty from me.

Then Stephen Harper came along.

The suspended collection proceedings began again with vigour.

As it happens, there is an actual procedure you can follow with Rev Can to show hardship if they have taken your tax refund to apply against an outstanding debt. You fill out a simple income and expense form and if your expenses exceed your income, they will give the refund back to you. It doesn’t mean you don’t owe them the money, it’s just the government recognizing that sometimes it can do more good in your hands than theirs.

When I started that procedure this year, my son and I were already homeless, ALL of our clothes had been stolen….our household belongings had gone missing….we had been screwed out of our last dollar and I had lost my job.

That was 11 months ago.

To illustrate our “hardship” I outlined the following:

We live in a homeless shelter and our entire income amounts to $364/month. (Has anyone ever tried to live and/or feed a 16 yr old boy on $364/month?)

My teenage son and I share a pair of shoes, or if we go out together, snow or not, I wear my bare feet and flip flops which are held together with rubber cement and elastic bands.

I recently wore pajamas for over three months. The same pair of pyjamas I was wearing when I did the laundry that fateful day when all our clothes were stolen. Day and night, couldn’t even take them off to wash them.

I pawned my Q1 for $80 which we used for food and a pair of yoga pants months ago. It’s a nearly $3000 device I use to manage information after my brain injury. I call it my “auxiliary brain”. Without it, I feel hopelessly lost and stupid.

Apparently, under the Harper Government, none of this constitutes sufficient hardship.

I have been writing letters and jumping through all of the necessary government hoops for almost a year, only to be ignored or rejected over and over and over again.

I’m convinced the Harper Government has no interest in, or compassion for the poor.

We are one of the few populations that really do disappear if you put us off long enough. How long can I doe-see-doe with Harper’s Minions of Evil, when I must constantly worry about how to meet the next need of my family.

Oh crap, I need bus fare or a loaf of bread….Can I afford a pack hot dogs?

It’s not like I’m lazy either…..

Demoralized and depressed….clearly….lazy….no.

Not only have I written four more books while in the shelter, I apply for dozens of jobs every week.

Hundreds over all….

I have an enviable collection of rejection letters.

They say marvellous things….and they are all certain that “big things” are right around the corner for me. Frankly, I’ve been to that corner and all I found was a shopping cart full of mismatched shoes, old bicycle parts and empty tin cans.

Big things you say?

Really?

Seriously?

Are you sure about that?

…because I’m currently convinced that I am the biggest waste of human real estate that’s ever walked the earth. I should be killed off and sold for parts.

To my questionable, possibly delusional credit, I haven’t given up entirely.

I’ve written those four books I mentioned…

I’ve also written several well-received marketing proposals and two treatments for branded content TV shows….Yes, I have that experience and background too…

I also decided to apply for The Self Employment Assistance Program under the Opportunities Fund for People with Disabilities.

I thought I would use it to start my own publishing company. My first book, DUMBASS, was one of the most successful self-published titles ever. It was #2 on Amazon USA (see there I go again) and kicked Jon Stewart’s ass for weeks. I know what I’m doing, I am an experienced and successful entrepreneur…..I enjoy it and I have proven publishing success….not to mention an existing and loyal audience.

It’s a plan that would find me back on my feet and finally self-sufficient for the long term.

….Enter Minions of Government Evil.

This story, of my adventures in applying for this program, is so long, crazy and convoluted, I will try to tell it in point form for you. If this story doesn’t shock you, then you are more jaded than I am!

First I did my research and downloaded the application forms from the Service Canada website.

Then I visited my local Service Canada office as instructed, to find out which “local service provider” (a private company funded by the Feds to administrate these programs) was in charge of the Opportunities Fund.

I took my number, waited patiently….and was told at my Service Canada Centre that they had no idea which service provider managed the program and I should check the website or call the 800 number.

I explained that the website and the 800 number had no idea either and both instructed me to visit my local Service Canada Office.

She shrugged and sent me away.

Wow….OK….let’s start again…

Call 1-800-O-Canada…. “go visit your local Service Canada Centre”

Look online….only harder this time…. “go visit your local Service Canada Centre”

Email my Member of Parliament’s Constituency Office…..

Leave them 2 voice mails….

No response….until months later, before the election, sent an email saying they didn’t have my vote because little things count…

They replied.

Not to offer assistance…

Just to plead their case for my vote. (HA! Fat chance now, Bucko!)

*sigh*

I go back to the Service Canada Office

Take a number….wait patiently….

I am told that they have no idea and I should check the website or call the 800 number.

This time I must INSIST that they try harder to find an answer.

After an afternoon of finger-drumming, tooth-grinding and agitated toe-tapping….They have an answer….The service provider is a company called VPI.

PROGRESS! Thank God!

I called VPI

“The Oppa-What-Huh? We’ve never heard of that program and don’t know what you are talking about.”

Back to Service Canada…take a number….wait less patiently….

Here’s the exchange with Service Canada:

Me, “VPI doesn’t do the program”

Them, “Yes they do”

Me, “No they don’t”

Them, “Yes they do”

Me, “Well, you should call them and let them know because they are under the impression that they’ve never heard of the Opportunities Fund for People with Disabilities”

Them, “You are a liar”

Me, “I need to speak to your supervisor”

Supervisor agrees with Customer Service Agent

“VPI is in charge of the program”

I explain that I called VPI and had been told that “no they don’t…”

Supervisor, “yes they do”

Me, on the verge of tears..”No….*sigh* ..they don’t”

Supervisor, “You obviously never called them. You must be lying”

Me, in tears.. “what payoff do I get for lying about this? Trying looking at this objectively for a minute”

Supervisor sends me away to waiting room for another hour…

She returns….says she called VPI and they DO – INDEED manage the program.

I actually make her call VPI again, in my presence…

Fine, Service Canada is right and I am wrong….VPI DOES manage the Opportunities Fund Application process.

I apologize

She gloats.

I leave.

I book my orientation appointment with VPI.

I fill out THEIR forms…

Attend their meetings…

The worker I was assigned suddenly disappears…no return phone calls….no return emails…

I complain to HER supervisor.

A new…lovely worker is assigned.

She completes and submits my application to the Opportunities Fund.

Weeks later…I am informed that the Opportunities Fund has run out of money and besides, there is only one application intake period and it’s over until next year.

Wait a minute…

I know from reading the Terms of Reference and the Legislation that the OF is a continuous intake program that takes applications on an ongoing basis….

What program had they submitted MY application to?

I don’t know because VPI stops returning my phone calls and emails.

Last information I receive from VPI is that they were mistaken and they DO NOT manage applications for the Opportunities Fund…

Now I’m back where I started.

I ask VPI to send me a copy of my completed application…It takes 3 weeks….oh I forgot….Oh it was sitting with the outgoing mail but wasn’t picked up….blah blah blah….

*sigh*

I start calling service providers directly…

BINGO!

The March of Dimes is the agency contracted by HRSDC to manage applications for the Opportunities Fund.

I email them…..numerous detailed inquiries….EXACTLY what I am attempting to do….
MOD assures me…They ARE the ones who can help me.

I must attend their orientation session and fill out the forms.

I do that….it’s not as easy or straight forward as it sounds…

I ask again….at the Orientation…just to be sure…. “You really are the agency who manage the Self Employment Assistance Program for the Opportunities Fund for People with Disabilities?”

Yes….absolutely.

I also write extensively on the forms what program I am looking for…just to be sure my time isn’t wasted again.

Finally! Thank God.

I wait 6 weeks for an appointment with the Employment Counselor.

I fight for 10 days to get help with transportation to the meeting. It becomes a HUGE issue at the Shelter….Supervisors, Managers….late night meetings….6 am the morning of the MOD meeting, they decide to help….sort of.

Fine…this is important to me. I can live with their terms.

I have my meeting with the employment counsellor at MOD

She says:

….I kid you not….

“There is no Self Employment Program under the Opportunities Fund”

Ignoring the fact that I asked repeatedly if MOD was the correct agency….

I pull out my applications and show her the Government of Canada letterhead with the bold words: “Application for Self Employment Assistance Under the Opportunities Fund for People with Disabilities”

Her, “Oh, look at that”

She leaves the room…
She returns to say, “Yes, there probably is such a program, but the March of Dimes doesn’t have anything to do with it…”

She doesn’t know who does….or how I can find out…

“Hey, you should visit your local Service Canada Centre….They’ll have that information for you”

Is this how shooting sprees get started?

I used to think violence was incomprehensible….

I’m suddenly “comprehensing”….

I’ve been doing this for 8 months.

*sigh*

I emailed and phoned Diane Finley, the Minister in charge of HRSDC.

She hasn’t replied….

She won’t reply.

Now, I’m losing my son.

He is my rock….and he’s doing what he must…leaving this hard place.

I’m also being forced from the Shelter…

Does this post even come close to expressing my anguish and frustration?

Am I making my point?

How much strength is one person expected to have?

Where am I supposed to turn next?

Is there a magic bullet or a secret handshake I need to know before I can get answers from my government about this program of theirs?

I thought my country was efficient (as countries go) and well managed (for the most part). I have always been proud that, in my country, I could count on my Member of Parliament to be responsive when I called on them…

I was bowled over when the Prime Minister and Commissioner of Revenue Canada took the time to read my email and then took such swift corrective and compassionate action.

But compassion is apparently a Liberal value.

It’s not as though I’m asking the Harper Government to do me a favour or eeek out a little sympathy for us…

I just want my government to…geez…I don’t know….manage themselves effectively or efficiently….

I’ll do all the legwork and heavy-lifting….I’ll do anything you ask…

just give me the INFORMATION I need.

Just do SOMETHING useful.

A friend of mine said he always thought people were poor because they were lazy or not capable of “more”….until he met me.

My name is Jules Carlysle…

I’m smart.

I’m accomplished,

I’m homeless and

I am at the end of my rope.

Oh yeah….I almost forgot.

I’m also MARGINAL.

Welcome to my …no…

Welcome to Stephen Harper’s Canada.

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Tags: conservatives, homeless, liberals, paul martin, social services, stephen harper

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 at 7:55 pm and is filed under Federal Government. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.